politically correct Uncategorized video

NIghtWare Review Part 3 — In the Hope This Gets Read Somewhere

Maybe this device will help some people, maybe not. But it should be better known. Problem is, your posts go nowhere unless you pay to advertise them. Or, pay in another way with your time. That means spending every day promoting on every social media platforms. There isn’t any other way.

NB: My psychiatrists (and all of the medical people I have dealt with) our obsessed with knowing how much sleep I am getting. How many hours? It doesn’t matter! Not if you go to sleep three or four times a day and have rotten, disturbing sleep each time. Never refreshing, never feel good sleep. The quality of sleep is what’s most important but they don’t want to assess that because there is nothing they can do about it and because they don’t want to admit that.

NightWare Review – Part One (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Two (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Four (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Five – Final (internal link)

My first suicide attempt (internal link)


Hi, this is Thomas Farley again about talking about the new NightWare™ system. This is the third video — we are at November 10, 2021. I’m I am seeing less visual disturbances, less crippling, violent imagery.

It’s difficult for me to tell because if this is a reduction because sometimes I’ll have two or three nightmares in a night, sometimes only two or three in a week, and then they disappear for a while. They always come back. I’m still waking up scared, though, from things I can’t recall. I check my heart rate. It doesn’t register as anything but normal.

I continue to get sound offs that are from either going to the bathroom, moving around in bed or actually just lying in bed, staring ahead, thinking about things. I’m still getting alerting. I think it’s not learning yet on many things, and for all I know, some of this is spontaneous remission or whatever they call it. I continue to go forward. On Friday, I have a psychiatrist meeting.

She’s going to try to go through the data. I’m averaging 6.4 hours of sleep, so at least it’s keeping track of that. So I will continue with this. I’m just disturbed that it’s not learning.

It shows these interventions on a graph, but with the number of false alerts, I don’t have the confidence to say what is happening right now.

So we’ll proceed and at least I’m working on something right. And if you’re having sufferers again, this is my send off to you. I really hope that you have a good night and that you sleep well. I really hope that for you and that you find some peace. Good luck.

free speech Uncategorized video

Nightime Reality and Daytime Reality and Mental Health Awareness Month

What I experience at night is just as real, terrifying, horrific, or devastating as anything you experience in the day. Deal with it.

And if you doubt me, you disrespect my condition in that you do not trust me. Yet, I never second guess anyone who comes to me with an earnest and passionate accounting of their suffering. Why am I doubted?

Unedited transcript

[00:00:08.490] – Speaker 1
Let me talk about reality and about dreams and nightmares not being real. According to the dream and nightmare denying people, which is the vast majority of people, I think even the mental health professionals, I just woke up afternoon, heart racing, adrenaline going through me, gasping for breath. All right. Those are very real physical symptoms. That’s what that FDA cleared nightmare system for $7,000 that I bought out of pocket.

[00:00:45.990] – Speaker 1
That’s what it keys on. It has an Apple watch, monitors, your heart rate. Those are very real symptoms. Now, I can tell the deniers would say, well, it’s not reaching a level of harm that we would consider damaging. Well, okay, but you’ve just admitted if you’re just talking about the degree of harm, you’ve just admitted that, in fact, part of the nightmares, dreams are real, haven’t you?

[00:01:25.170] – Speaker 1
Now you may say, well, let’s back up. They’re not that physically harming. You can’t see a wound or some such. Well, got two divisions here. I think you have mentally damaging and physically damaging.

[00:01:46.830] – Speaker 1
We’ve all seen that physical damaging could be real. What is the benefit of an increased heart rate? What’s the benefit of more adrenaline? What’s the benefit of gasping for air? Okay, so that’s physically damaging to me.

[00:02:03.360] – Speaker 1
I can’t imagine saying anything else as far as mentally going by extension, can’t you see that the dreams, the fright, the terror over a period of years, decades, is also mentally damaging, even if you can’t see it, what we really have is a larger system. Like all large systems, you can break it down into parts. So I’m going to say you have a nighttime reality and you have a daytime reality, the daytime reality that most people experience is their world, and they can’t see into the nighttime reality that we have. But again, that nighttime reality is both damaging physically and observable, both with that night where system and in the lab, it’s observable, it’s physical, it’s real. And the mental part of it is also damaging, unless you dismiss mental health as being unreal itself.

[00:03:15.170] – Speaker 1
Psychiatrists, a psychological community will say, oh, mental health is a real problem, except when it comes to funding, of course. But I think even many of them doubt that it’s real. But it is. It’s both physically notable and mentally notable. Two different realities, nighttime reality and daytime reality.

[00:03:41.350] – Speaker 1
And I don’t question anybody’s daytime reality. I don’t want them questioning my nighttime reality.


My First Suicide Attempt

What went wrong was like seeing gravity stop working. I had read dozens of stories of carbon monoxide poisoning working in fairly short order. It didn’t happen. Far from it. I am baffled and perplexed and discouraged. I wish you peace. With much love and caring.



And the Wall Came Tumbling Down

I’m more and more convinced that PTSD and other traumatic events can break down the brain’s normal ability to protect a person from unconscious thoughts and dreams.

For the last few weeks I have had a minor cough. A few times a day, a few seconds each time. No big deal. The other night I had a dream in which I was in a class room with young college students. One person started coughing. And then another. And another until the whole class was coughing. I then woke up. Coughing. Want to figure that out?

That’s a direct connection between the world awake and the world asleep. No more wall. I’ve frequently backed down the driveway in my truck to run an errand or to do some banking, only to pause at a certain point. When I realize I don’t need to go anywhere. The errand was instead needed in last night’s dream. The night carried forward.

I’ve long thought that the incident I had triggered a firestorm of activity in my brain which has burned out any circuit holding my lifelong anxiety to my waking life. Now, my anxiety can hit me at night when I am helpless. No more wall to protect me when I go to sleep. The front line is everywhere.

Some PTSD suffer intense flashbacks during the day. Again, that is the traumatic memory breaking through into the waking hours.

People don’t believe me when I say that getting murdered in a dream or coming out of anesthesia after ECT feels like the real thing. Nonsense they say.  In their world, I’m either lying or they somehow know what I am experiencing better than myself. In either case, they are wrong.

Most people draw a clear distinction between the conscious and unconscious. For us nightmare suffers, that border or wall is broken, at least in part. And I don’t know how that breach can be fixed.

My ECT sessions were a last try at establishing new electrical pathways for my brain to follow, sort of like building a new wall instead of repairing an old wall. Didn’t work.

How do you fix a broken eggshell? Or can you? I don’t see a way.



NightWare Review Part Two

NightWare™ review. A review of NightWare.™

Transcript delayed due to the death of a friend.

NightWare Review – Part One (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Three (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Four (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Five – Final (internal link)

My first suicide attempt (internal link)


Hi, this is Thomas Farley. This is my second video on the Night Ware system. I hope hope you’re doing well or at least coping. I wish the best for you.

There’s so much information. I’m not sure how to present this. I’m just going to go in and pull out what I think are the most important points from my point of view. When I’m working, I am a professional writer and editor. Perhaps I take offense at this material more than I should.

I got the watch.

I have an Apple watch already, so I’m familiar with this, but at least several times I stopped the recording of the device and I thought I pressed the stop button, but it continued to run and record and eventually essentially timed out very puzzling. If the wrist strap isn’t tight enough, it will stop recording your heart rate. You’ll get a message saying there’s been no heart rate detected for ten minutes and it will stop and I don’t have the screenshots, but several times at least three or four didn’t work as they should.

And I wanted it to get right because there’s this initial calibration period that they talk about. I wanted to make sure the watch was working correctly and didn’t know if it was working correctly, and that’s a problem with the tech support not being available at night when us nightmare suffers are up at night, and of course, nothing on the weekend.

So rather than getting this resolved in real time, it has to wait. And anyway, so the watch seems to be working now correctly. It stops when it should stop, starts when it should stop or start.

When I was having those events, what I did was started a dream diary. So if something like that went wrong, I noted the time so that I thought we could go back to the charts and correct them. Similarly, when it was sounding off incorrectly, like once I pulled up on the sheets too hard and it marked this thing they call an acceleration when in fact just pulling up the sheets too hard. So I had this idea that I would make all these notes on these false positives.

Such an ugly phrase, but false positives.

And then somebody at night where we would go back correct the record so that the algorithm could learn. Because how else can the algorithm learn about an event like pulling up the sheets too hard if that only occurs every five, six days? Similarly, the literature says you can use the restroom, just take a short break, come back and it won’t affect the record. But each time I did a short break, it would sound off. So again noted that in my sleep Vlog because this is the first couple of days and I actually keep a sleep blog for your own records, but there’s nobody at night where that’s going to go back and reconcile this the algorithm is running on its own, which I found out later.

It’s a lot of stress before I found that out for, like, bathroom behavior. The Apple watch has a gyroscopic function, which you may be aware of, and so it can track movement, get out of the bed, move toward the bathroom and back. So it is probably recording that event as an activity, logging it and then over time, maybe dismissing it. But this initial calibration that I read about apparently finally got an email on this.

You’ll get no interventions. The initial calibration period lasts one to three nights. After the system collected 1000 samples.

I thought with such a wide variety of activity possible at night that it would take a long time to dial in. And tech support is saying it actually happens in one to three nights. So problem is, you’re new to the watch. You’re turning it on and off. You may have really ragged sleep like I do.

And because of that, I was turning the watch off repeatedly when I would get up for a couple of hours, because I have my insomnia.

Actually, that’s probably not a good idea. Probably keep it on at all times, because what happens is there’s this 30 minutes window when you hit the pillow and between that? Well, actually, when you go to sleep, when it first registers that you’re sleeping, it will provide none of these interventions. None of these tap on the wrist for 30 minutes. You’re on your own for that 30 minutes.

And some of my worst nightmares hit me as soon as I put my head on the pillow. And there’s nothing to be done about that. Tech support repeatedly claims that an improvement in that area would require FDA approval. I don’t see why that would be such a problem. Perhaps it is what we have is adaptive technology within limitations undisclosed so that it doesn’t adapt, for example, to that 30 minutes window.

It’s not going to lower it, and it also won’t adapt to if you have anything outside the criteria or the settings of what they deem a nightmare, that is your stress level, measuring your heart rate, your movement in bed, some other factors that I’m still not aware of. If that criteria isn’t reached, then it’s not going to be considered a nightmare. You will not get an alert, you will not get one of their so called interventions. And again, without reconciling your chart with your sleep log, it’s going to be saying, maybe happily, that we provided five interventions when, in fact, they could have been false readings, false alerts.

But again, the bottom line, nobody is going to reconcile your sleep record with your actual chart.

What else? Yeah, I thought I was going to flip through some of this, but actually trying to think if there’s anything important, a lot of us have nightmares. That may not be the classic you’re killing somebody or somebody’s killing you, but you just might be having to watch. I don’t know, a loved one being tortured or suffering, and it may go beyond going. I had a nightmare the other night where I had lost my cat in a retail store.

Fremont is an indoor cat and had a huge store running all over the place. Can’t contain them, can’t collect them. And this goes on and on and you would say, well, so what? It’s a cat. You’re running out of a cat.

But the anxiety and the stress which just goes on and on is just one of these what I would call stress dreams. And people dismiss them because they don’t have the same level of anxiety that I do. Or maybe they’ve never had a cat on the loose and they can’t find it. It’s lost. You can’t get it back.

That’s incredibly stressful. It doesn’t have to be chopping up people for me to constitute an extremely difficult to deal with situation. And a lot of this is a background to my sleep. And I’m really bothered by the fact that that stuff. They just keep going.

Now, at this point, this guy just would probably like to put down praise in which has never worked for me before. One of the few dreams that are actually prescribed for nightmares. I’m sure most of you have used it and know that it really doesn’t work for most people because otherwise VA hospitals would be cleared of PTSD victims in a hurry. But the other thing introducing other medicines. I don’t know how you’re going to tell what’s working or what’s not.

Maybe three of them can clear up the lower level stuff and the night where system can clean up the more violent stuff. It’s just an experiment right now. I’m going to end the video with those random thoughts, and I hope something helps you. My email is Thomasfarley at Fastmail. Com.

Thomasfarley at Fastmail. Com. And you’re free to email me and we can commiserate with this. And I’m really hoping for the best for this product. I really hope tonight that you don’t have any nightmares.

I really hope tonight is a good night for you. And let’s hope that for everybody. So thank you.


NightWare Review: My First Ten Days with NightWare

November 4, 2021

A NightWare™ review. I will try to produce a rough transcript of this video tonight.

My nightmares started with a traumatic incident that happened in 1988. I did not see the event in person.

Looking back at thirty plus years of treatment for these on and off nightmares, I’m convinced that trauma broke my brain. That break now lets in the incredible daytime anxiety I have felt since the third grade into the nighttime.

I can’t do avoidance therapy when I am asleep. My anxiety finds me defenseless against all of the mindless fears and frights that I have and turns them into attacks with these nightmares.

No, addressing my anxiety has not stopped the nightmares. Like you, I have tried everything including ECT. I am now out of options.

Until later — I sincerely wish you peace and a quiet mind.

NightWare Review – Part Two (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Three (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Four (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Five – Final (internal link)

My first suicide attempt (internal link)


Hi. My name is Thomas Farley, and I have been a nightmare sufferer since October 1019 88. If you are suffering nightmares, I simply do hope for the best for you. This is a new FDA approved treatment system for reducing, possibly eliminating nightmares called Night Ware. W-A-R-E.

I’ve had it for about ten days, so anything I say in the next ten minutes is subject to change, but these are my first impressions. I’m really glad that there is a new treatment out there. I wish the developers well, first things first. This is about $7,000. As it sits.

You get my insurance won’t pay for it. The majority of insurance carriers will not and they’re working on that. But right now you’re out of pocket. I have always been out of pocket with my psychiatric care. I never can get seen often enough for it to do any good.

So you have just charging cables, especially provisioned dedicated iphone that works with specially provisioned Apple Watch. If you’re not familiar and what it does is it monitors your heart rate, your movement, and when it hits certain parameters within this algorithm they’ve developed, then it will tap you on the wrist to try to interrupt that violent nightmare, that event that you’re experiencing. If you’re not familiar with an Apple watch, this is my personal Apple watch, and it actually is electromechanical. These little dots here actually can tap you on the inside of the wrist when you have it on.

So that let’s say you’re driving and you are using Google Maps and you’re getting instructions on your iphone.

Your iphone will communicate to your watch. So that is a left turn is coming up. You’ll get a tapping produced by the watch on your wrist. The phone is communicating with the watch, and it’s a physical sensation. It can be significant.

I think the main thing is that I wasn’t really that well informed at all about the device. The major limitation for me right now, it isn’t going to be fixed until the future. And I hope around in the future is that it does not start, it will not start an intervention. It will not start this tapping to disrupt a nightmare within 30 minutes of going to sleep. And I wish I had known that I would have tried it anyway, but I can have a nightmare within well, as soon as my head hits the pillow and I’m sure there’s thousands or hundreds of thousands of other people.

So I never envisioned the idea that a medical device could be hooked up to you. Essentially, you could start the medical device and it wouldn’t start recording until or helping for 30 minutes, and it won’t.

Yeah, any reduction later on in the night. But here’s a problem with that in that if you turn off the watch, say in 2 hours, if you have a really ragged sleep cycle, you’re getting 30 minutes. Here an hour and a half here then you got to walk around for 3 hours each time you turn it off and then turn it back on. Each time you turn it on, you’re locked into this 30 minutes of no help coming whatsoever ever period. So best to keep it on.

I would say the entire night and then let the what they call machine learning figure it all out.

The literature and what I was told on the phone kind of contradict each other, and in all cases, there’s a lack of information of the gritty details you want, and my camera instruction manuals are more detailed than this. Why this is important is because I want to have the device work for me as well as it can. And to do that, I want to understand it. I know I’m going to have to be going back and forth with my psychiatrist. I was keeping a sleep log of all of these false positives that were being triggered, and apparently the sleep blog doesn’t matter at all.

It’s learning on its own. And maybe I can get into the details of some of the emails that he sent me, but that lack of detail is especially telling because they don’t have any customer support at night or on weekends when we’re all up having our nightmares. So more information is always better. And I don’t know why the documentation isn’t put up online, and I really hope that they do. And it would say endless emails back and forth with them as well as telephone calls trying to figure out why did this happen?

Why did that happen? For example, with that 30 minutes window of no interventions possible, normally, that information, the event will be recorded on their servers, but not necessarily shown in the graphs that you see or are routinely sent to the psychiatrist, they have to be apparently singled out somehow for recollection. I’m still working through this, but again, I think that’s enough for right now.

Okay, so $7,000 and of course, if it’s life or death for you, I don’t know what to say, and those 1st 30 minutes won’t ever get you an intervention. So with that, I will try to make some more videos as things go along as I learn more. And I really wish the developers will.


podcast Uncategorized

Stress or Anxiety Dreams

Stress or Anxiety Dreams

Woke up after only an hour and a half or so, typical for my chronic insomnia. Worse, I had another stress dream. People don’t understand them. They can understand, a little, about my violent nightmares because I am killing someone or someone is killing me. Blood and gore.

Anxiety? Who cares?

Unfortunately, the voice memo on TWO of my machines was having the exact same problem. What are the odds of that? It might take hours to diagnose this hardware/software problem and I wanted to get this recording done. More stress. Trust me, though, the real stress is in these damned dreams.

I often lead a blessed life during the day but getting through the night can be insufferable. Decades of this nonsense. It is _so_ uncomfortable and often poisons much of the following day. One needs sleep. And if you interrupt a person’s sleep eventually they crack up. Intelligence services use sleep interruption to torture and break people. It works.


Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing, one, two, three, four. I’m really upset at the voice memo recorder. It’s not functioning the way it should. Anyway, I wanted to relay a stress stream that just happened. People ask, what are stress dreams? These dreams are full of anxiety. People dismiss them because, of course, it’s just anxiety. So why would you be upset? You say? It’s nothing. IT doesn’t look like. I’m recording, OK, now we’re back.

Here and now we’re coming back again. Let me see if this is working at all, OK? The stupid thing is fading in and out. But anyway, here’s the situation. In my dream, someone’s banging on my window, I’m trying to deal with that, I’m yelling at them saying I’m coming outside, I’m coming outside, I come outside. The neighbors have blocked off a truck from leaving and there’s at least two people that they’ve detained and waiting for 911 to respond but apparently 911 has changed its number.

What has changed is, no, it’s some sort of consumer fraud number that you call and you wait and you wait and you wait. And these people, I sense that they’re criminal and they are spending some sort of stuff and nonsense. But anyway, so we’ve got to detain these idiots and waiting endlessly for the police to come. Meanwhile, one of them insist on coming into my house to use the bathroom, which I allow. But then when they get in the bathroom, this person is rustling around with stuff and . . .

The person comes out with what looks like a wire hanger that . . . The voice recorder is dying here, I’m just so upset. Anyway, anyway. This is the voice memo recorder. I don’t have the time to diagnose this stupid voice recorder memo when I want to get this out anyway, he’s got this wire, we’re wrestling with him. And my brother comes down from the stairs and he discounts the whole need to do anything.

So I’m arguing with him while we’re trying to wrestle with this stupid guy and it just goes on endlessly. That’s part of the stress of this part of the anxiety dream is it goes on stupidly forever and it has no conclusion. There’s no resolution. It’s just anxiety that continues and continues and continues. And then, you know, with luck, you wake up, wake. That’s a stupid voice recorder continues, I do not need this, I’m I’m waiting for the voice recorder to come back, I do not want this.

I don’t have time to diagnose this voice recorder thing, I want to get this recorder thing out. Because otherwise, if you don’t record it, then people think it doesn’t exist because it’s just anxiety. What’s your problem? Anyway, I’m going to see if this was recorded at all.


I Know You Are Trying to Help – Part 2

I Know You Are Trying to Help - Part 2

Advice offered from friends can be as toxic to that relation as money between friends.


OK, let’s call this part two of people trying to help. Maybe a side issue, because I mentioned talk therapy and I didn’t see the connection to it with my event, which was paranormal E.S.P psychic thing out of the ether and the. Talk therapy? Well. Even if you’re in a talk circle with fellow nightmare sufferers. You’re talking about it, but I find it frustrating because there’s just no solution coming, it’s just a discussion. Talking has never made it go away.

What’s interesting on violent nightmares, and I haven’t researched this, but I bet it’s true for other people, is that the more you describe your nightmares. The more concrete they become and the more of them, you get more of them. This is extremely similar to what people talk about. Keeping a dream diary is that that’s very common for other things where advice is given to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. And in fact, I’ve done that, you get better and better at remembering as much as you do this.

You can kind of wake yourself up almost automatically from a dream and then you start writing it down. So you’re getting better and better at remembering. Well, with violent nightmares. You as soon as you start describing them in detail, put them down on paper, especially start rehashing your brain, at least my keys in on that and starts producing more of them at night. This is similar to what most people have, relatable dreams where I had a dream just the other night related to fire.

Well, I had a fire engine pull up in front of my house looking for smoke in the area. And that night I had a nightmare about my house burning down. This is very similar to what most people have. They have a incident in the day and it comes back at them and at night. So you can understand where I’m coming from here and that. You describe some of these horrible, bloody, uh, torturous incidents and, uh, start.

Describing more and more of them, and you’re at least my brain kicks in on that, I think, and produces more of them the next night, the more concrete, the more real you make them, the more real they become. I really think the best thing is to immediately try to walk around. When I wake up from a violent nightmare is to walk around, just shake my head and try to forget it instantly. Just try to get distracted with something else that will keep me from remembering that incident that works.

And another thing that should work, but never has for me is commonly right down before you go to bed, a dream that you would like to have, a pleasant, wonderful dream that you would like to have and. I remember one psychologist I. Came in. I was supposed to do this and I showed her all of the dream stories that I wanted to happen and. She said up there you are. This writing is really quite good. I said, yeah, that’s what I do, I’m a writer.

Does it work now? I’ve never been unfaithful. Never been able to get a dream to. To happen that I wanted to happen, I and of course, this works for other people, it just it hasn’t worked for me. I lucid dreaming you’ll hear about where you can control things in your dream. I have been able to do that on rare occasion where you’re suddenly able to fly like a drone through a canyon and you can go up and you can go down and.

It’s really odd, but you’re controlling the dream, but it hasn’t happened enough, I haven’t been able to train myself to do it on demand and it has no relation to ending violent nightmares. Violent nightmares with me are essentially being frozen in a state of terror. And you’re not I’m not able to think my way out of the. It is just blindingly, overwhelmingly, bloody, you’re butchering going on and you are so frightened and so scared that I’m frequently sometimes I can recognize at the end of them I’m in a dream and wake myself up uncommon, but I can do it occasionally.

I can’t predict when I can, but usually I am so terrified, I am not thinking at all, I’m just being killed or I’m killing somebody else and it’s just so and again, everybody wants to help go, uh, friends with their, uh, helpful techniques. Uh, there unfortunately, they take it personally. When something doesn’t work again, you’re the person making it not work. You didn’t try it hard enough. Um, the psychiatrists and psychologists, though, they do accept they take it less personally when something doesn’t work, but they, too, are at a loss.

I had one psychiatrist, what was it, 2010? He looked over all the medications I had taken since nineteen eighty eight and said, well, you’re older so let’s start them all up. I know Freemont. I have a cat that doesn’t like me. Working on something too long. Very happy to. Have a companion through these long nights. OK, back to that psychiatrist he looks at. The new psychiatrist, 2010, he looks at the medicines I’ve taken over 20 years as you are now older, so maybe these drugs will now work on you now that you’re older.

So we started up the list again from scratch. With no results, we did find out in that period, though, Zyprexa was a real relief, if you’re having nightmares, it is definitely something you should try. It is going to change your thoughts. It’s going to change your personality. But the same thing with Prozac. But I would definitely try Zyprexa for a while to see if it helps. It certainly helped me for several years, actually.

And, um, and it was terribly expensive. Unfortunately, my dad helped me with the expense. Eventually we had to go to get to go to Canada to get it somewhat affordably. It was under patent at the time. It’s no longer so. So Zyprexa, if you can get it, I would definitely recommend it. And I really hope for you that it works it after a couple of years. It failed spectacularly. And. I elected to stop using it and get my old personality back, because it will change you.

It will change you. And an interesting question I had to the psychiatrist, especially Prozac. Prozac killed my creativity completely. It just completely froze my personality, my creative drive. You probably see how many posts I make sometimes in a day, how many projects I’m working on constantly. My brain’s going a million miles an hour usually, and that stops on a Prozac. But do you want to get better? And of course, with my nightmares, of course I do, I will take any drug at any time if I think I can get better and I have tried them all.

Demonstrated, I want to get better, but again. Medicines aren’t working, and that was why I went down to Tempe for this electroconvulsive therapy, because shock therapy, ECT is sort of the last resort, I, I don’t really know what to do now. I still have some of these violent nightmares, and it’s made me a lot angrier, a lot upset. I’m drinking a lot more now. I know it’s changed my personality in the way that medicines did.

It’s becoming very different and somewhat dark. I. I’m not coming up with many helpful suggestions for you, are am I? And again, this is all just after you describe this to people like this for a while, it’s just becomes a complaint fest. What is the point of complaining about something if there is no solution? Just shut up and get on with it, whatever you have, and try to take care of people that are that are worse off, like the cancer, the woman dying of cancer over there, um, I know there’s people up and down the street that have various medical afflictions and we all have our problems.

I, I think one reason I’m doing this and opening up about my mental health, saying that I don’t care anymore is maybe somebody out there on the Internet can relate. Maybe somebody will be helped with my suggestion of Zyprexa. I, I, I would not recommend electroconvulsive therapy at this point. And some of this is just talking it out for myself, trying to get a grasp and understanding and understanding of the situation. So I’m not describing my nightmares and having them continue because of that, but I’m trying to think out the problem.

And I am convinced that it’s just simply there is another universe right now at work in between our fingers. That was the most that’s the only benefit that came out of these nightmares, is that, uh, that other world does exist, whatever you want to call it, whatever you want to call it. And, uh, I got a look into that dark room that. The millions of other people who’ve had psychic experiences over the years, we all get a glimpse into this dark room.

We can’t see what’s in there, but there is something in there, some shape, there’s some movement, and we never get the big picture. And I. I’m now at rambling stage, so I’m going to cut it off for now. Thanks for listening if you do. And I really should get back to poetry, but. Tomorrow will be Gold Field Days, Gold Field, Nevada, and, uh, I’ve got a long drive to go to meet some people that do like me.

Thank you.

I Know You Are Trying to Help – Part 1

I Know You Are Trying to Help - Part 1

Help offered by friends for medical problems can become as toxic to that relation money between friends.


Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing, one, two, three, four. Good evening from Pahrump, Nevada. It is 12. I don’t know, fifty in the morning, my insomnia of 30 plus years continues, but I. So many people that have it so much worse than I do, I recognize that that’s why it’s very. Difficult to talk about my problems when. Other people. Have. Greater problems. There’s a woman next door over who’s dying of cancer, my brother has now let’s leave my brother out of it.

He’s a private person. And I’m going to be speaking a little more slowly. Tonight, so that the bot’s transcribing this will be able to keep up. Everybody wants to help. But that. Everybody wants to help you with a mental illness or a physical illness, everybody wants to help. Everybody has their own idea on what will work. And your brother, your sister, your mother, your dad, they all have ideas and of course, the therapist, the psychologist, psychiatrist, they all have their own ideas based on their own experience about what will work.

Unfortunately, aside from the medical. Profession. If somebody close to you. Suggests something, they’ll get resentful if you don’t try it and if you do try it and it doesn’t work. Quite often this person will think that you just didn’t try hard enough. The blame comes back to me. I get. I didn’t ask my problem to begin with, that’s understood, it was a traumatic event that came completely out of nowhere, literally, I did not ask to cause it and.

I can play the victim card. This was an event I had absolutely nothing to do with, so that when. This person’s favorite technique or something they heard about on the Internet or it helped Uncle Joe when it doesn’t work with me and they yeah, it comes back to me. You didn’t try hard enough. And they can’t figure out why it didn’t work. This is very common with lay people or people that think they’re somehow have medical training or holistic people, you name it.

Uh, the. So I’m the one to blame now because it doesn’t work, I didn’t you know, I didn’t want to I didn’t try hard enough. I don’t want to sell self and not want to get. But we tend to be a blame society. We. Want to, we really want to. Figure out how we can assign. How we can assign the blame for something to somebody. Can’t be us, can’t be the person that gave the advice, they’re far too smart, and so this failure of a person to not get better obviously has something to do with them and not the person making this suggestion.

And this is just it’s extremely common and everybody’s well-meaning. So you can’t get too terribly angry at the people that are making the suggestion. But they can’t relate. They really can’t relate. That’s the verdict that goes to the medical profession as well as you don’t wish the ills of yourself on the psychiatrist or the psychologist, but they just they don’t have any idea what I’m going through, no matter how often it’s spelled out. I think they only seemingly the only connection I get.

Yes, if I lay out a nightmare that happened and. I’m. Pretty good at relating these nightmares and the. And I think they understand my suffering somewhat when. I described these horrors, I get some sort of human to human connection at that point, but it doesn’t help. It’s like, oh, I was once in a circle of people discussing anxiety. We were all anxiety sufferers. I’ve been I’ve had terrible anxiety since third grade and interesting.

But they all had panic attacks. That’s right. They had panic attacks. And I really don’t ever have them. And I really couldn’t relate to them. And of course. We don’t have any solutions, we’re just talking this out. As if it can be talked out, I’m not convinced at all, but if I say that I don’t want to get better, right. So but I if it could only work. It’s interesting with nightmares how if you dream analysis, classic utter failure with nightmares, because what happens is that all of the professionals don’t understand this until it happens.

Uh, uh, if you’re asked to keep a dream diary or such or recognize, you know, backing up, though, I never had violent nightmares before this event. So if I did have some traumatic incident in the past that caused them, that sort of sort of produced them before I was almost 30, but I never had a violent nightmare before my problem. Uh, but getting back to suggestions, the first thing, the psychiatrist or psychologist, you get a new one.

The first thing they want you to do is stop drinking or stop alcohol. I mean, stop alcohol, stop caffeine. And, um, you know, if you don’t, then you don’t want to get better. It’s your problem. It’s so early on. One psychiatrist, one psychologist. I was it it’s common. You see a psychiatrist for drugs and the psychologist for talk therapy. But she said you have to stop drinking. And I said, fine, stop caffeine.

Fine. So I went without alcohol or coffee for a year because I wanted to prove to her that I wanted to get better. And it just killed a lot of my socializing and it was extremely uncomfortable. And I love coffee. And that was all gone for me and caffeine at the end of the year. We’re getting ready to I was getting ready to discuss the results of the year, and that week leading up, I had nightmares that were.

That’s as bad as when they first started. There was absolutely no benefit in alcohol, caffeine. Uh. Killing that for a year absolutely did not work. And what was her? Opinion of this whole thing. Well, let’s try another year. And that’s why I refused I, I, I. Again, socializing that I enjoyed being able to. Come home after work, put up my feet, have a drink that was important to me having coffee in the morning, that was important to me.

But more important, of course, was that it did not work. And yet that is the first thing that medical people will do with a lot of problems is stop drinking. Well, so much for that, and I have given up alcohol deliberately, voluntarily, for health reasons in years past recent years passed and now it hasn’t helped. As I’ll be there, but. Again, she was she had no plan B. All she could say is, uh, another year, try harder, it’s on you, and that just makes me feel.

I didn’t want any of this to happen. And yet people are coming at me saying, well, you’re not trying hard enough, it’s your problem. No, it’s not it just because your solution doesn’t work doesn’t make me. Responsible for that failure. Let me pause it right now, I think I’m going long.


What Happened to Me: The Paranormal and PTSD