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And So it Goes

Speaker 1
You.

Speaker 1
Hello, aloha and mahalo. It is Monday, September 11, day of remembrance for all of us.

Speaker 1
My name is Thomas Farley, F-A-R-L-E-Y-I have a friend who is is dying and he has been dying for many years, but it is certainly the end of the line.

Speaker 1
It will be the end of the line very soon for him, it seems, unless there’s some miraculous intervention from beyond science.

Speaker 1
I and he’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve to die, die poorly like this. I would not trade places with him. I envy him, though, in a way, with the enormous amount of resources that he’s been able to get to apply to his condition. He has a physical disease.

Speaker 1
He has a number of things wrong with them, but they are in the end, all physical.

Speaker 1
He’s had good insurance with Kaiser and I’m sure some of his own money. Similarly, I’ve had good insurance plans and money and I’m actually paid out of pocket for nearly all of my mental health treatment because compared with physical diseases, you cannot get seen by a doctor routinely enough to do any good in mental health. For a psychiatrist. Well, he has Kaiser. I think under Kaiser, probably you wouldn’t be able to see a doctor psychiatrist more than once every couple of months.

Speaker 1
Instead, you’re kicked down to therapists and technicians. So I’ve always paid out of pocket for regular psychiatric treatment.

Speaker 1
So that’s one big difference between mental health and physical health. Another is that routinely, for years now, most of the major insurance companies have provided a 24 hours nurse talk line so that you can talk to a nurse at any time of day except that. And I’ve talked to these nurses on these health lines before. They say they’ve never, ever had a psych nurse assigned to one of these 24 hours help lines. They could have a psych nurse, a telephone line in addition to the physical, the regular RNS.

Speaker 1
They could have that. These groups, Intermountain, Southwest, Kaiser, multibillion dollar corporations, they could pay for a 24 hours psych nurse telephone line so he wouldn’t wind up at the emergency room or some other place victim of suicide. But they don’t because mental health does not exist for these people. They talk about these institutions, talk about the rising rate of suicide, and isn’t that awful? But they won’t fund for it.

Speaker 1
They will not fund for it. They will instead give out some pity, some false pity and give some money to other groups, other agencies that are working on the problem, but they themselves don’t participate. And in the last few years, we’ve all seen how they want to really focus. They really want to throw everybody into two categories that of depression or anxiety. And if you’re not in that category, then good luck to you.

Speaker 1
I don’t want to dwell on my particular problem, although I’ll just say that it’s severe insomnia and nightmares and yeah, you hear about research, say, into PTSD and related, but it’s not really in my opinion. And I’ve been almost become a professional consultant on this subject since I so much want to get better. And I’ve tried everything. So I’ve become sort of an expert on what’s current, and I’ve done everything, including electroshock, or ECT as it’s politely called. Electroconvulsive therapy didn’t work for me, paid for all that out of pocket.

Speaker 1
Physical diseases, especially the physical diseases that happen to a lot of people, that Big Pharma has a market for. Those seem hopeful. As far as research getting spent, I know there’s some incurable, seemingly incurable problems like autism, and so there’s just major diseases, although autism goes to great deal of mental health fields, so it’s inherently not going to see the amount of research or funding to begin with. My friend has got all of these resources now available to him as far as end of life treatments and hospice, just like my parents had hospice and people willing to help stepping in. And there’s nothing for end of life, for mental health problems.

Speaker 1
My condition is not livable, and all I get in a response as far as end of life is that it can’t be that bad.

Speaker 1
And I sometimes say, yeah, you’re right, it’s not that bad. It’s a hell of a lot worse. You live with this, you live with this. But it’s a mental health problem that they can’t capture with a microscope or a thermometer going up or down, or blood pressure they can measure or blood they can sample. They just have to take the word of the patient, and our word doesn’t mean a damn thing.

Speaker 1
And I feel for people with mental health problems that are not as articulate or verbal as I am, that can’t express themselves or they express the hell they’re going through. They really have. That just I can’t imagine the misery funding needs to be addressed for my friend. There’s all sorts of patient advocates available for him. He’s actually had genetic engineering things done for him at Stanford Hospital.

Speaker 1
There’s been housing available for family and relatives nearby, just on and on and on. And I am glad that he’s had that care. It’s extended his life for many, many years. It’s just there is no equivalent in mental health for this. And it just devalue you.

Speaker 1
It devalues a person over and over and over again. You’re not worth it. And if you want something done, you got to pay for it yourself, because we can’t see it, so we don’t think it’s a problem. I’ll give you a simple example of how much I often have needed a patient advocate to deal with people just on the phone, for example. One of the things that really induces my nightmares is being a mean person and having to argue endlessly.

Speaker 1
And if anybody’s dealt with any customer support, any healthcare organization over the last many years, you’ll know that it is impossible sometimes to get across what you’re trying to say to a person that keeps falling back on a script will not transfer you to a supervisor about the websites and email addresses that they hand out that don’t work, telephone numbers they never call to make sure that they actually work. It just goes on and on. Well, that all forces me to get service, forces me to be a mean person with these people. And I don’t want to be a mean person. It’s toxic.

Speaker 1
It’s toxic to everybody, but especially in my condition. And I can’t tell them that that just engendering more and more nightmares. And it would be great if I had a patient advocate that would be able to speak for me and would be able to sit for hours and hours on a phone trying to get something arranged and it’s just not possible, not even with paying for it out of pocket. These people don’t exist. And it is very frustrating every step of the way you’re told that your condition doesn’t mean anything and it is indescribable as I try to make myself, as I try to make other people comfortable with me.

Speaker 1
You can’t mention, for example, that you have violent nightmares anymore. They’ll call the cops on you.

Speaker 1
People today are so scared by corporate media that they associate mental health with violence when in fact the mental health are far more likely to be victims of crimes than actually committing the crime. But corporate media doesn’t want to hear that. And it is the more and more I try to make other people comfortable around me, the less credibility I have, the more well spoken I am, the less people think there’s anything wrong. If I keep up appearances, then just what’s the problem? And I’ll try to say, well, how many times do you have to watch your mother or your best friend get chainsawed to death?

Speaker 1
Well, it’s not real. No, it actually feels real. And shock after shock and this has been going on since 1988 with me and it just breaks you down. I probably have less than 4 hours of sleep every night and tell you this is how these professionals, they just want a measurement. How many hours of sleep are you getting?

Speaker 1
And their limited thinking is insane. Well, four or 5 hours, it doesn’t matter. It’s the quality of sleep. It’s all broken up. I’m pacing around at 233 30 in the morning, waking up every other half hour.

Speaker 1
It’s the quality of sleep. But they can’t measure that. They have to rely on your word. And your word doesn’t count. Your word doesn’t mean a damn thing.

Speaker 1
Well, we’re sorry for you, but there’s no at this point I’ve tried literally everything, including, like I said, ECT. And that program when it first came out, using the Apple Watch, which is a dedicated Apple Watch and a dedicated iPhone that goes with it called nightwear. I’ve written a multi part review on YouTube about it that also failed.

Speaker 1
But in the end in the end, my friend has a ton of services he’s going to have measured, respectful, end of life experience, I guess you would call it. But no, I’m going to have to take care of things myself. And it’s tragic, but it’s consistent with the disregard that mental health gets in this country. I’m not sure it’s that much better anywhere else, and I don’t have any suggestions other than fund, but it’s all about money, and so I just don’t especially Intermountain. They’re an incredibly toxic group, incredibly damaging to mental health people.

Speaker 1
And you can read on my website, Thomasfarleyblot.com, what they did to me, how they treated me. I think a real fundamental problem in healthcare is how the line personnel, or the people responding to their Twitter and social accounts have no idea what duty of care means. We are patients first and then customers. This is not a typical industry where you have a customer. No, we’re patients first.

Speaker 1
When you extend the duty of care, if you have to explain what duty of care means to somebody picking up the phone, they need some real training or they need some days in the hospital tending to patients. Once you accept the duty of care, again, it’s just not my dad was a brilliant physician, brilliant doctor, and his colleagues were all well mannered, neat, professional, all of them caring. And they accepted the responsibility for a patient once they took them on. And once a system takes them on, like Inner Mountain or Kaiser or what have you, that duty of care is extended. That umbrella applies to everybody under their name.

Speaker 1
Well, that’s enough for now. I wish I could give you some hope, but there really isn’t any. Not at least for people with my condition. And I think that they would actually prefer a lot of us just to die off so they don’t have to deal with them. I think that’s what’s going on with a lot of the homeless, with mental health problems.

Speaker 1
It’s just get these people off the books and we can go back to treating people for just anxiety and depression and everybody else is on their own.

Speaker 1
But if you know more about the subject, let me know. But there’s no dignity in this, not for people with mental health.

Categories
politically correct Uncategorized video

NIghtWare Review Part 3 — In the Hope This Gets Read Somewhere

Maybe this device will help some people, maybe not. But it should be better known. Problem is, your posts go nowhere unless you pay to advertise them. Or, pay in another way with your time. That means spending every day promoting on every social media platforms. There isn’t any other way.

NB: My psychiatrists (and all of the medical people I have dealt with) our obsessed with knowing how much sleep I am getting. How many hours? It doesn’t matter! Not if you go to sleep three or four times a day and have rotten, disturbing sleep each time. Never refreshing, never feel good sleep. The quality of sleep is what’s most important but they don’t want to assess that because there is nothing they can do about it and because they don’t want to admit that.

NightWare Review – Part One (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Two (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Four (internal link)

NightWare Review – Part Five – Final (internal link)

My first suicide attempt (internal link)

ROUGH, UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT BELOW

Hi, this is Thomas Farley again about talking about the new NightWare™ system. This is the third video — we are at November 10, 2021. I’m I am seeing less visual disturbances, less crippling, violent imagery.

[00:00:26.390]
It’s difficult for me to tell because if this is a reduction because sometimes I’ll have two or three nightmares in a night, sometimes only two or three in a week, and then they disappear for a while. They always come back. I’m still waking up scared, though, from things I can’t recall. I check my heart rate. It doesn’t register as anything but normal.

[00:00:52.970]
I continue to get sound offs that are from either going to the bathroom, moving around in bed or actually just lying in bed, staring ahead, thinking about things. I’m still getting alerting. I think it’s not learning yet on many things, and for all I know, some of this is spontaneous remission or whatever they call it. I continue to go forward. On Friday, I have a psychiatrist meeting.

[00:01:21.950]
She’s going to try to go through the data. I’m averaging 6.4 hours of sleep, so at least it’s keeping track of that. So I will continue with this. I’m just disturbed that it’s not learning.

[00:01:40.850]
It shows these interventions on a graph, but with the number of false alerts, I don’t have the confidence to say what is happening right now.

[00:01:56.130]
So we’ll proceed and at least I’m working on something right. And if you’re having sufferers again, this is my send off to you. I really hope that you have a good night and that you sleep well. I really hope that for you and that you find some peace. Good luck.

Categories
free speech Uncategorized video

Nightime Reality and Daytime Reality and Mental Health Awareness Month

What I experience at night is just as real, terrifying, horrific, or devastating as anything you experience in the day. Deal with it.

And if you doubt me, you disrespect my condition in that you do not trust me. Yet, I never second guess anyone who comes to me with an earnest and passionate accounting of their suffering. Why am I doubted?

Unedited transcript

[00:00:08.490] – Speaker 1
Let me talk about reality and about dreams and nightmares not being real. According to the dream and nightmare denying people, which is the vast majority of people, I think even the mental health professionals, I just woke up afternoon, heart racing, adrenaline going through me, gasping for breath. All right. Those are very real physical symptoms. That’s what that FDA cleared nightmare system for $7,000 that I bought out of pocket.

[00:00:45.990] – Speaker 1
That’s what it keys on. It has an Apple watch, monitors, your heart rate. Those are very real symptoms. Now, I can tell the deniers would say, well, it’s not reaching a level of harm that we would consider damaging. Well, okay, but you’ve just admitted if you’re just talking about the degree of harm, you’ve just admitted that, in fact, part of the nightmares, dreams are real, haven’t you?

[00:01:25.170] – Speaker 1
Now you may say, well, let’s back up. They’re not that physically harming. You can’t see a wound or some such. Well, got two divisions here. I think you have mentally damaging and physically damaging.

[00:01:46.830] – Speaker 1
We’ve all seen that physical damaging could be real. What is the benefit of an increased heart rate? What’s the benefit of more adrenaline? What’s the benefit of gasping for air? Okay, so that’s physically damaging to me.

[00:02:03.360] – Speaker 1
I can’t imagine saying anything else as far as mentally going by extension, can’t you see that the dreams, the fright, the terror over a period of years, decades, is also mentally damaging, even if you can’t see it, what we really have is a larger system. Like all large systems, you can break it down into parts. So I’m going to say you have a nighttime reality and you have a daytime reality, the daytime reality that most people experience is their world, and they can’t see into the nighttime reality that we have. But again, that nighttime reality is both damaging physically and observable, both with that night where system and in the lab, it’s observable, it’s physical, it’s real. And the mental part of it is also damaging, unless you dismiss mental health as being unreal itself.

[00:03:15.170] – Speaker 1
Psychiatrists, a psychological community will say, oh, mental health is a real problem, except when it comes to funding, of course. But I think even many of them doubt that it’s real. But it is. It’s both physically notable and mentally notable. Two different realities, nighttime reality and daytime reality.

[00:03:41.350] – Speaker 1
And I don’t question anybody’s daytime reality. I don’t want them questioning my nighttime reality.

Categories
Uncategorized

Keep Your Well Intended Advice to Yourself Unless . . .

Regarding Mental Health

Keep your well intended advice to yourself unless you believe the person you are talking to. Otherwise, your advice is not well intended at all.

A woman I met a few days ago said she could wake herself from a violent dream or nightmare. I said I could do that if the nightmare wasn’t too bad but not an especially severe one.

I explained how in the grip of terror, of getting my arm cut off, or watching my best friend get beaten to death, that I rarely know that I am asleep. Shock and pain takes over and not the intellect.

She then went on to recite a variety of things that she had tried for better sleep, along with things she had heard about. She seized on diet, how I hadn’t tried vitamins or cooking certain things. Lady, I don’t want to hear it.

Over the last thirty years I have tried every medication, talk therapy, and hospital technique possible for my nightmares. Along the way, medical practitioners and even friends try to place the blame on me for their favorite solution not working.

I didn’t try hard enough. I don’t want to get better. These dreams aren’t life threatening. (internal link) They’re not real. Go to hell.

To back up, I didn’t ask for a supernatural power to break my brain. (internal link) I wanted none of it and I did nothing to cause it. I suffer from it, from something I couldn’t even imagine happening. I refuse any more to take blame for any of this, especially from those who have no idea what they are talking about.

She wasn’t trying to help, she was trying to prove that she was smarter. She knows better. She’s more clever or insightful. I’d be cured if I only listened to her.

Bullshit.

Where’s the trust? I accept without question and in full faith that all of the methods she outlined work for her. Great. I do not question that at all. But she questions my honesty and intellect when I say those practices haven’t worked for me. Where is the mutual respect? There is none.

Unless you can accept a person that has accepted you, keep your so called well intended advice to yourself. Because all you offer is arrogant, hurtful, and demeaning crap. Buy them a nice dinner instead or give them some flowers. And then shut up!

Categories
Uncategorized

My First Suicide Attempt

What went wrong was like seeing gravity stop working. I had read dozens of stories of carbon monoxide poisoning working in fairly short order. It didn’t happen. Far from it. I am baffled and perplexed and discouraged. I wish you peace. With much love and caring.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

This is How Everyone Dies

A recent article in the Sun (external link) describes how women celebrities and influencers on Instagram are sometimes stalked by lunatics who cause harm. One woman was recently killed.

Celebrity stalking didn’t begin with Instagram, of course, I’m sure Helen of Troy dealt with creeps, but let’s not discuss that right now.

The standout quote is, “This is literally how women die, because nobody listens to us, and we are constantly in danger.”

I’m sorry but that is how everyone crying for help dies. They’re ignored. Because everyone is too busy with orders from their boss, the comic book they want to finish, their kid who just wet his pants in school and needs to be picked up.

Nobody cared that gangs ran my high school and terrorized students. Nobody did a damn thing. You got bullied and beaten and that was that. It was the same way at Orwell’s school  nearly a hundred years ago (internal link) and I’m sure it is the same way today. Nobody cares.

At certain very difficult times over the last thirty years I’ve discussed suicide with different professionals. (internal link). None of them have ever called the next day to see how I was doing.

A Nye County Sheriff once appeared at my door after Intermountain Health Care requested that someone check on me. But they didn’t call themselves. I’m sure it was because they would have to talk to me, you know, engage in a conversation. Too much trouble.

I get more follow on calls regarding the welfare of my pets from veterinarians than doctors or nurses calling about my own welfare.

You know what this says? You are worthless. You don’t rate a one minute phone call. We’re professionals but your worth as a human being is zero. Nothing. You don’t count.

Years ago in Northern Ireland a woman walking her dog was seized upon for being an informant on one side or the other of The Troubles. The mob literally tarred and feathered her and she barely clung to life when she was transported to the hospital. No one wrote to the newspaper editor about her welfare but inquiries did come in about what had happened to the dog.

I was somewhat shocked that a Southwest Medical nurse has now called me twice to ask about a minor knee injury I had recently. That was very nice of her.

By comparison, no one has called from the Aurora Hospital in Tempe about how I am doing after my fifth ECT treatment went disastrously wrong. Electro-convulsive therapy is the most extreme procedure you can perform in mental health save a lobotomy. Yet no one has called.

In the past I have said the only way to get emergency medical treatment was to threaten to kill someone or to threaten to kill yourself.

Today, I strongly think that threatening yourself no longer matters unless you were to act out in public and to give advance notice to the media. I am not kidding.

These women get ignored because no one wants to be bothered to do anything else other than what they want to do. That includes law enforcement and medical professionals and the person who bags your groceries.

Medical professionals bemoan the growing suicide rate yet they are a big part of the problem. They’ll say they are overworked and underfunded and blah, blah, blah.

There are exceptions to this uncaring universe and nice, helpful people do exist. But they are always the exception and never the rule. You cannot count on a nice person to help when you really need help. You cannot.

The only time I get a quick response, although it’s always from some powerless media management company, is when I post something negative to Twitter.

Yup, your life is non-existent unless you make it known to thousands or millions through social. The message from the medical community is to kill yourself and keep it to yourself. Remember, we can’t be bothered to make a one minute phone call. You don’t rate.

Your problems don’t rate with my problems. Even if they are worse than my problems. Me first.

I’ve told what a disaster calling the Suicide Hotline was. (internal link) If they won’t help or follow on, who will? Good question. Who will? The answer? No one. In the end, nobody cares.

You see all those people left behind in Afghanistan that were our friends. We maintain this fiction that all people have worth because to say otherwise is to accept a world too terrible to live in.

That people have value is a lie we tell ourselves to keep on living. But it is still a lie. Like money isn’t important nor youth or beauty. Surely we matter. Maybe. But not if it bothers someone to make a phone call or it is no longer politically expedient to save your life.

Why does the world go on? Life and the world aren’t built on negativism or hopelessness. The majority of people in the world get up each morning and carry on despite difficulties. I doubt a nihilist world can exist, although cults like Aum Shinrikyo and today’s Taliban test my judgment.

For me, I have a pretty good life as long as people aren’t bullying me and if I don’t go to sleep. My hobbies and interests keep me alive along with the terrible guilt I would feel leaving behind a mountain of unsorted junk in my house. Guilt is an outstanding motivator.

If you are in emotional trouble, I wish you the best. And I wish I could help. God speed.

Categories
podcast Uncategorized

Stress or Anxiety Dreams

Stress or Anxiety Dreams
/

Woke up after only an hour and a half or so, typical for my chronic insomnia. Worse, I had another stress dream. People don’t understand them. They can understand, a little, about my violent nightmares because I am killing someone or someone is killing me. Blood and gore.

Anxiety? Who cares?

Unfortunately, the voice memo on TWO of my machines was having the exact same problem. What are the odds of that? It might take hours to diagnose this hardware/software problem and I wanted to get this recording done. More stress. Trust me, though, the real stress is in these damned dreams.

I often lead a blessed life during the day but getting through the night can be insufferable. Decades of this nonsense. It is _so_ uncomfortable and often poisons much of the following day. One needs sleep. And if you interrupt a person’s sleep eventually they crack up. Intelligence services use sleep interruption to torture and break people. It works.

ROUGHLY EDITED TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:03.460]
Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing, one, two, three, four. I’m really upset at the voice memo recorder. It’s not functioning the way it should. Anyway, I wanted to relay a stress stream that just happened. People ask, what are stress dreams? These dreams are full of anxiety. People dismiss them because, of course, it’s just anxiety. So why would you be upset? You say? It’s nothing. IT doesn’t look like. I’m recording, OK, now we’re back.

[00:00:38.090]
Here and now we’re coming back again. Let me see if this is working at all, OK? The stupid thing is fading in and out. But anyway, here’s the situation. In my dream, someone’s banging on my window, I’m trying to deal with that, I’m yelling at them saying I’m coming outside, I’m coming outside, I come outside. The neighbors have blocked off a truck from leaving and there’s at least two people that they’ve detained and waiting for 911 to respond but apparently 911 has changed its number.

[00:01:16.960]
What has changed is, no, it’s some sort of consumer fraud number that you call and you wait and you wait and you wait. And these people, I sense that they’re criminal and they are spending some sort of stuff and nonsense. But anyway, so we’ve got to detain these idiots and waiting endlessly for the police to come. Meanwhile, one of them insist on coming into my house to use the bathroom, which I allow. But then when they get in the bathroom, this person is rustling around with stuff and . . .

[00:01:50.320]
The person comes out with what looks like a wire hanger that . . . The voice recorder is dying here, I’m just so upset. Anyway, anyway. This is the voice memo recorder. I don’t have the time to diagnose this stupid voice recorder memo when I want to get this out anyway, he’s got this wire, we’re wrestling with him. And my brother comes down from the stairs and he discounts the whole need to do anything.

[00:02:26.850]
So I’m arguing with him while we’re trying to wrestle with this stupid guy and it just goes on endlessly. That’s part of the stress of this part of the anxiety dream is it goes on stupidly forever and it has no conclusion. There’s no resolution. It’s just anxiety that continues and continues and continues. And then, you know, with luck, you wake up, wake. That’s a stupid voice recorder continues, I do not need this, I’m I’m waiting for the voice recorder to come back, I do not want this.

[00:03:12.880]
I don’t have time to diagnose this voice recorder thing, I want to get this recorder thing out. Because otherwise, if you don’t record it, then people think it doesn’t exist because it’s just anxiety. What’s your problem? Anyway, I’m going to see if this was recorded at all.

Categories
Uncategorized

I Know You Are Trying to Help – Part 1

I Know You Are Trying to Help - Part 1
/

Medical advice offered by friends can become as toxic to that relation as money between friends.

ROUGH AND UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:15.930]
Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing, one, two, three, four. Good evening from Pahrump, Nevada. It is 12. I don’t know, fifty in the morning, my insomnia of 30 plus years continues, but I. So many people that have it so much worse than I do, I recognize that that’s why it’s very. Difficult to talk about my problems when. Other people. Have. Greater problems. There’s a woman next door over who’s dying of cancer, my brother has now let’s leave my brother out of it.

[00:01:10.160]
He’s a private person. And I’m going to be speaking a little more slowly. Tonight, so that the bot’s transcribing this will be able to keep up. Everybody wants to help. But that. Everybody wants to help you with a mental illness or a physical illness, everybody wants to help. Everybody has their own idea on what will work. And your brother, your sister, your mother, your dad, they all have ideas and of course, the therapist, the psychologist, psychiatrist, they all have their own ideas based on their own experience about what will work.

[00:02:06.640]
Unfortunately, aside from the medical. Profession. If somebody close to you. Suggests something, they’ll get resentful if you don’t try it and if you do try it and it doesn’t work. Quite often this person will think that you just didn’t try hard enough. The blame comes back to me. I get. I didn’t ask my problem to begin with, that’s understood, it was a traumatic event that came completely out of nowhere, literally, I did not ask to cause it and.

[00:03:02.590]
I can play the victim card. This was an event I had absolutely nothing to do with, so that when. This person’s favorite technique or something they heard about on the Internet or it helped Uncle Joe when it doesn’t work with me and they yeah, it comes back to me. You didn’t try hard enough. And they can’t figure out why it didn’t work. This is very common with lay people or people that think they’re somehow have medical training or holistic people, you name it.

[00:03:42.020]
Uh, the. So I’m the one to blame now because it doesn’t work, I didn’t you know, I didn’t want to I didn’t try hard enough. I don’t want to sell self and not want to get. But we tend to be a blame society. We. Want to, we really want to. Figure out how we can assign. How we can assign the blame for something to somebody. Can’t be us, can’t be the person that gave the advice, they’re far too smart, and so this failure of a person to not get better obviously has something to do with them and not the person making this suggestion.

[00:04:43.510]
And this is just it’s extremely common and everybody’s well-meaning. So you can’t get too terribly angry at the people that are making the suggestion. But they can’t relate. They really can’t relate. That’s the verdict that goes to the medical profession as well as you don’t wish the ills of yourself on the psychiatrist or the psychologist, but they just they don’t have any idea what I’m going through, no matter how often it’s spelled out. I think they only seemingly the only connection I get.

[00:05:26.150]
Yes, if I lay out a nightmare that happened and. I’m. Pretty good at relating these nightmares and the. And I think they understand my suffering somewhat when. I described these horrors, I get some sort of human to human connection at that point, but it doesn’t help. It’s like, oh, I was once in a circle of people discussing anxiety. We were all anxiety sufferers. I’ve been I’ve had terrible anxiety since third grade and interesting.

[00:06:11.510]
But they all had panic attacks. That’s right. They had panic attacks. And I really don’t ever have them. And I really couldn’t relate to them. And of course. We don’t have any solutions, we’re just talking this out. As if it can be talked out, I’m not convinced at all, but if I say that I don’t want to get better, right. So but I if it could only work. It’s interesting with nightmares how if you dream analysis, classic utter failure with nightmares, because what happens is that all of the professionals don’t understand this until it happens.

[00:07:03.350]
Uh, uh, if you’re asked to keep a dream diary or such or recognize, you know, backing up, though, I never had violent nightmares before this event. So if I did have some traumatic incident in the past that caused them, that sort of sort of produced them before I was almost 30, but I never had a violent nightmare before my problem. Uh, but getting back to suggestions, the first thing, the psychiatrist or psychologist, you get a new one.

[00:07:33.890]
The first thing they want you to do is stop drinking or stop alcohol. I mean, stop alcohol, stop caffeine. And, um, you know, if you don’t, then you don’t want to get better. It’s your problem. It’s so early on. One psychiatrist, one psychologist. I was it it’s common. You see a psychiatrist for drugs and the psychologist for talk therapy. But she said you have to stop drinking. And I said, fine, stop caffeine.

[00:08:10.490]
Fine. So I went without alcohol or coffee for a year because I wanted to prove to her that I wanted to get better. And it just killed a lot of my socializing and it was extremely uncomfortable. And I love coffee. And that was all gone for me and caffeine at the end of the year. We’re getting ready to I was getting ready to discuss the results of the year, and that week leading up, I had nightmares that were.

[00:08:50.950]
That’s as bad as when they first started. There was absolutely no benefit in alcohol, caffeine. Uh. Killing that for a year absolutely did not work. And what was her? Opinion of this whole thing. Well, let’s try another year. And that’s why I refused I, I, I. Again, socializing that I enjoyed being able to. Come home after work, put up my feet, have a drink that was important to me having coffee in the morning, that was important to me.

[00:09:40.290]
But more important, of course, was that it did not work. And yet that is the first thing that medical people will do with a lot of problems is stop drinking. Well, so much for that, and I have given up alcohol deliberately, voluntarily, for health reasons in years past recent years passed and now it hasn’t helped. As I’ll be there, but. Again, she was she had no plan B. All she could say is, uh, another year, try harder, it’s on you, and that just makes me feel.

[00:10:23.770]
I didn’t want any of this to happen. And yet people are coming at me saying, well, you’re not trying hard enough, it’s your problem. No, it’s not it just because your solution doesn’t work doesn’t make me. Responsible for that failure. Let me pause it right now, I think I’m going along.

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I Know You Are Trying to Help – Part 2

I Know You Are Trying to Help - Part 2
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Advice offered from friends can be as toxic to that relation as money between friends.

ROUGH AND UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

OK, let’s call this part two of people trying to help. Maybe a side issue, because I mentioned talk therapy and I didn’t see the connection to it with my event, which was paranormal E.S.P psychic thing out of the ether and the. Talk therapy? Well. Even if you’re in a talk circle with fellow nightmare sufferers. You’re talking about it, but I find it frustrating because there’s just no solution coming, it’s just a discussion. Talking has never made it go away.

What’s interesting on violent nightmares, and I haven’t researched this, but I bet it’s true for other people, is that the more you describe your nightmares. The more concrete they become and the more of them, you get more of them. This is extremely similar to what people talk about. Keeping a dream diary is that that’s very common for other things where advice is given to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. And in fact, I’ve done that, you get better and better at remembering as much as you do this.

You can kind of wake yourself up almost automatically from a dream and then you start writing it down. So you’re getting better and better at remembering. Well, with violent nightmares. You as soon as you start describing them in detail, put them down on paper, especially start rehashing your brain, at least my keys in on that and starts producing more of them at night. This is similar to what most people have, relatable dreams where I had a dream just the other night related to fire.

Well, I had a fire engine pull up in front of my house looking for smoke in the area. And that night I had a nightmare about my house burning down. This is very similar to what most people have. They have a incident in the day and it comes back at them and at night. So you can understand where I’m coming from here and that. You describe some of these horrible, bloody, uh, torturous incidents and, uh, start.

Describing more and more of them, and you’re at least my brain kicks in on that, I think, and produces more of them the next night, the more concrete, the more real you make them, the more real they become. I really think the best thing is to immediately try to walk around. When I wake up from a violent nightmare is to walk around, just shake my head and try to forget it instantly. Just try to get distracted with something else that will keep me from remembering that incident that works.

And another thing that should work, but never has for me is commonly right down before you go to bed, a dream that you would like to have, a pleasant, wonderful dream that you would like to have and. I remember one psychologist I. Came in. I was supposed to do this and I showed her all of the dream stories that I wanted to happen and. She said up there you are. This writing is really quite good. I said, yeah, that’s what I do, I’m a writer.

Does it work now? I’ve never been unfaithful. Never been able to get a dream to. To happen that I wanted to happen, I and of course, this works for other people, it just it hasn’t worked for me. I lucid dreaming you’ll hear about where you can control things in your dream. I have been able to do that on rare occasion where you’re suddenly able to fly like a drone through a canyon and you can go up and you can go down and.

It’s really odd, but you’re controlling the dream, but it hasn’t happened enough, I haven’t been able to train myself to do it on demand and it has no relation to ending violent nightmares. Violent nightmares with me are essentially being frozen in a state of terror. And you’re not I’m not able to think my way out of the. It is just blindingly, overwhelmingly, bloody, you’re butchering going on and you are so frightened and so scared that I’m frequently sometimes I can recognize at the end of them I’m in a dream and wake myself up uncommon, but I can do it occasionally.

I can’t predict when I can, but usually I am so terrified, I am not thinking at all, I’m just being killed or I’m killing somebody else and it’s just so and again, everybody wants to help go, uh, friends with their, uh, helpful techniques. Uh, there unfortunately, they take it personally. When something doesn’t work again, you’re the person making it not work. You didn’t try it hard enough. Um, the psychiatrists and psychologists, though, they do accept they take it less personally when something doesn’t work, but they, too, are at a loss.

I had one psychiatrist, what was it, 2010? He looked over all the medications I had taken since nineteen eighty eight and said, well, you’re older so let’s start them all up. I know Freemont. I have a cat that doesn’t like me. Working on something too long. Very happy to. Have a companion through these long nights. OK, back to that psychiatrist he looks at. The new psychiatrist, 2010, he looks at the medicines I’ve taken over 20 years as you are now older, so maybe these drugs will now work on you now that you’re older.

So we started up the list again from scratch. With no results, we did find out in that period, though, Zyprexa was a real relief, if you’re having nightmares, it is definitely something you should try. It is going to change your thoughts. It’s going to change your personality. But the same thing with Prozac. But I would definitely try Zyprexa for a while to see if it helps. It certainly helped me for several years, actually.

And, um, and it was terribly expensive. Unfortunately, my dad helped me with the expense. Eventually we had to go to get to go to Canada to get it somewhat affordably. It was under patent at the time. It’s no longer so. So Zyprexa, if you can get it, I would definitely recommend it. And I really hope for you that it works it after a couple of years. It failed spectacularly. And. I elected to stop using it and get my old personality back, because it will change you.

It will change you. And an interesting question I had to the psychiatrist, especially Prozac. Prozac killed my creativity completely. It just completely froze my personality, my creative drive. You probably see how many posts I make sometimes in a day, how many projects I’m working on constantly. My brain’s going a million miles an hour usually, and that stops on a Prozac. But do you want to get better? And of course, with my nightmares, of course I do, I will take any drug at any time if I think I can get better and I have tried them all.

Demonstrated, I want to get better, but again. Medicines aren’t working, and that was why I went down to Tempe for this electroconvulsive therapy, because shock therapy, ECT is sort of the last resort, I, I don’t really know what to do now. I still have some of these violent nightmares, and it’s made me a lot angrier, a lot upset. I’m drinking a lot more now. I know it’s changed my personality in the way that medicines did.

It’s becoming very different and somewhat dark. I. I’m not coming up with many helpful suggestions for you, are am I? And again, this is all just after you describe this to people like this for a while, it’s just becomes a complaint fest. What is the point of complaining about something if there is no solution? Just shut up and get on with it, whatever you have, and try to take care of people that are that are worse off, like the cancer, the woman dying of cancer over there, um, I know there’s people up and down the street that have various medical afflictions and we all have our problems.

I, I think one reason I’m doing this and opening up about my mental health, saying that I don’t care anymore is maybe somebody out there on the Internet can relate. Maybe somebody will be helped with my suggestion of Zyprexa. I, I, I would not recommend electroconvulsive therapy at this point. And some of this is just talking it out for myself, trying to get a grasp and understanding and understanding of the situation. So I’m not describing my nightmares and having them continue because of that, but I’m trying to think out the problem.

And I am convinced that it’s just simply there is another universe right now at work in between our fingers. That was the most that’s the only benefit that came out of these nightmares, is that, uh, that other world does exist, whatever you want to call it, whatever you want to call it. And, uh, I got a look into that dark room that. The millions of other people who’ve had psychic experiences over the years, we all get a glimpse into this dark room.

We can’t see what’s in there, but there is something in there, some shape, there’s some movement, and we never get the big picture. And I. I’m now at rambling stage, so I’m going to cut it off for now. Thanks for listening if you do. And I really should get back to poetry, but. Tomorrow will be Gold Field Days, Gold Field, Nevada, and, uh, I’ve got a long drive to go to meet some people that do like me.

Thank you.

I Know You Are Trying to Help – Part 1

I Know You Are Trying to Help - Part 1
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Help offered by friends for medical problems can become as toxic to that relation money between friends.

ROUGH AND UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing, one, two, three, four. Good evening from Pahrump, Nevada. It is 12. I don’t know, fifty in the morning, my insomnia of 30 plus years continues, but I. So many people that have it so much worse than I do, I recognize that that’s why it’s very. Difficult to talk about my problems when. Other people. Have. Greater problems. There’s a woman next door over who’s dying of cancer, my brother has now let’s leave my brother out of it.

He’s a private person. And I’m going to be speaking a little more slowly. Tonight, so that the bot’s transcribing this will be able to keep up. Everybody wants to help. But that. Everybody wants to help you with a mental illness or a physical illness, everybody wants to help. Everybody has their own idea on what will work. And your brother, your sister, your mother, your dad, they all have ideas and of course, the therapist, the psychologist, psychiatrist, they all have their own ideas based on their own experience about what will work.

Unfortunately, aside from the medical. Profession. If somebody close to you. Suggests something, they’ll get resentful if you don’t try it and if you do try it and it doesn’t work. Quite often this person will think that you just didn’t try hard enough. The blame comes back to me. I get. I didn’t ask my problem to begin with, that’s understood, it was a traumatic event that came completely out of nowhere, literally, I did not ask to cause it and.

I can play the victim card. This was an event I had absolutely nothing to do with, so that when. This person’s favorite technique or something they heard about on the Internet or it helped Uncle Joe when it doesn’t work with me and they yeah, it comes back to me. You didn’t try hard enough. And they can’t figure out why it didn’t work. This is very common with lay people or people that think they’re somehow have medical training or holistic people, you name it.

Uh, the. So I’m the one to blame now because it doesn’t work, I didn’t you know, I didn’t want to I didn’t try hard enough. I don’t want to sell self and not want to get. But we tend to be a blame society. We. Want to, we really want to. Figure out how we can assign. How we can assign the blame for something to somebody. Can’t be us, can’t be the person that gave the advice, they’re far too smart, and so this failure of a person to not get better obviously has something to do with them and not the person making this suggestion.

And this is just it’s extremely common and everybody’s well-meaning. So you can’t get too terribly angry at the people that are making the suggestion. But they can’t relate. They really can’t relate. That’s the verdict that goes to the medical profession as well as you don’t wish the ills of yourself on the psychiatrist or the psychologist, but they just they don’t have any idea what I’m going through, no matter how often it’s spelled out. I think they only seemingly the only connection I get.

Yes, if I lay out a nightmare that happened and. I’m. Pretty good at relating these nightmares and the. And I think they understand my suffering somewhat when. I described these horrors, I get some sort of human to human connection at that point, but it doesn’t help. It’s like, oh, I was once in a circle of people discussing anxiety. We were all anxiety sufferers. I’ve been I’ve had terrible anxiety since third grade and interesting.

But they all had panic attacks. That’s right. They had panic attacks. And I really don’t ever have them. And I really couldn’t relate to them. And of course. We don’t have any solutions, we’re just talking this out. As if it can be talked out, I’m not convinced at all, but if I say that I don’t want to get better, right. So but I if it could only work. It’s interesting with nightmares how if you dream analysis, classic utter failure with nightmares, because what happens is that all of the professionals don’t understand this until it happens.

Uh, uh, if you’re asked to keep a dream diary or such or recognize, you know, backing up, though, I never had violent nightmares before this event. So if I did have some traumatic incident in the past that caused them, that sort of sort of produced them before I was almost 30, but I never had a violent nightmare before my problem. Uh, but getting back to suggestions, the first thing, the psychiatrist or psychologist, you get a new one.

The first thing they want you to do is stop drinking or stop alcohol. I mean, stop alcohol, stop caffeine. And, um, you know, if you don’t, then you don’t want to get better. It’s your problem. It’s so early on. One psychiatrist, one psychologist. I was it it’s common. You see a psychiatrist for drugs and the psychologist for talk therapy. But she said you have to stop drinking. And I said, fine, stop caffeine.

Fine. So I went without alcohol or coffee for a year because I wanted to prove to her that I wanted to get better. And it just killed a lot of my socializing and it was extremely uncomfortable. And I love coffee. And that was all gone for me and caffeine at the end of the year. We’re getting ready to I was getting ready to discuss the results of the year, and that week leading up, I had nightmares that were.

That’s as bad as when they first started. There was absolutely no benefit in alcohol, caffeine. Uh. Killing that for a year absolutely did not work. And what was her? Opinion of this whole thing. Well, let’s try another year. And that’s why I refused I, I, I. Again, socializing that I enjoyed being able to. Come home after work, put up my feet, have a drink that was important to me having coffee in the morning, that was important to me.

But more important, of course, was that it did not work. And yet that is the first thing that medical people will do with a lot of problems is stop drinking. Well, so much for that, and I have given up alcohol deliberately, voluntarily, for health reasons in years past recent years passed and now it hasn’t helped. As I’ll be there, but. Again, she was she had no plan B. All she could say is, uh, another year, try harder, it’s on you, and that just makes me feel.

I didn’t want any of this to happen. And yet people are coming at me saying, well, you’re not trying hard enough, it’s your problem. No, it’s not it just because your solution doesn’t work doesn’t make me. Responsible for that failure. Let me pause it right now, I think I’m going long.