“A man’s dying is more his survivor’s affair than his own.” Thomas Mann
Woke up from a terrible dream just now after only forty minutes or so of sleeping.
The worst nightmares are these, finding myself hurting someone I love or someone I love hurting me.
You’d think after 33 years of this off and on nightmare thing that I’d get used to it. Hardly.
How do you get used to a close friend chainsawing your leg off? In a dream so real you can feel the teeth of the blade?
Can you get used to murdering your best friend? I know. It’s just a dream. For the last few years, though, I have been suspicious that they are something else. I don’t know what but it’s not good.
Update: That’s it for that night. Sun isn’t even up yet. 5:37 AM.
Woke up at least three more times, each time with another bonkers dream. These weren’t violent but they show another world which is now feeling too real. A dimly lit circus funhouse whose distorted mirrors present half-complete but still disturbing images of people and things and thoughts. I’m feeling mentally sick this morning. I think my brain is trying to understand or make right these images that I am seeing at night but can’t. I feel tired from the effort. And just poor, poor, poor.
“There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.”
Did you know that Brain Damage was written about Syd Barrett going mad and no longer able to fit into the band? I think it was Roger Waters who said that Barrett’s time was finished when he would start playing a different song than the one they were then practicing.
“And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes / I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon”
At least this sort of thing makes me feel better.
I put together a few hours ago some images of a photo layout that appeared in 2012 in the Russian edition of marie claire. Photographer unknown. Milla Jovovich was the enthusiastic and playful subject. It’s now a nice poster on my wall.
Required disclosure: I do not own the rights to these photos nor do I claim ownership.