What Is The Real You?

No one wants their personality judged when they’re drunk, high, or have lost their temper. “That’s not who I am.” Fair enough. But what if you always want a drink, a drug, or live in a violent environment? Who are you then? What’s your true personality? The person you are during years of addiction? Or the person you were before? What’s the real you? With years passing and the changes that happen naturally because of that, can you even remember what you were before?

We all know people are different at twenty than forty. And that a person acts differently if they are an alcoholic, addict, or live locked up in a threatening place. They’ll get back to normal once their life gets back to normal, right? Maybe. So what are they now, in their present condition?

I started Zyprexa for my violent nightmares in 2007 and it helped immediately. It saved my life. And it drastically altered my personality, at least that’s how it felt to me. Drugs like Zyprexa or Prozac aren’t temporary and short acting, they build up in your blood stream and stay with you as long as you take them. They’re not like a drink or a fix, you are under the influence for perhaps years.

Although Zyprexa reduced the number of intensity and severity of my nightmares, it never ended them. They’re still with me but less bloody. And Zyprexa wasn’t my first attempt at ending them, I’ve been on psychoactive drugs of all kinds since 1990.

With Zyprexa I became less contentious, less argumentative, less inclined to make a point. Actually, not inclined to make a point at all. I walked away from insults and slights I would have never tolerated before. I didn’t care anymore. I also didn’t care about many things that were important, that were worth fighting for. More difficult to explain was that I felt my brain changing. A physical like feeling which was very disturbing. But I couldn’t live with my nightmares so I accepted my new personality.

The question, though, again, is what makes up a person’s personality? I worried tremendously when meeting new people. I didn’t want to start any new relation. Who were they meeting? I wasn’t myself, I was something else. A new person would only know me in this drug altered way. Would they accept me when I went off the medicine and got back to my real self? Or would that self return?

Zyprexa failed me last Decemeber and I went off it because it was no longer working. And I gave up alcohol on doctor’s orders in April of 2018 for health reasons. I’m still drinking coffee but stopping that has always left me tired and stupid. I should be as clear as I was before the drinks and the drugs. The real me. Right? And that’s a good thing. Right? But who was I all those last few years? Something else. I don’t know what.

Life is now back in my face. Drinking and the medications put a blanket over everything. A soft focus on the world, distance. That distance is gone and I’ve noticed this every time I’ve stopped prescription medicines or drink. Everything is painfully close along with tremendous anxiety. That anxiety starting for me in the third grade. Well, here I am again. The real me. Right? It’s been a long road back.

“The more you know yourself, the more clarity there is. Self-knowledge has no end – you don’t come to an achievement, you don’t come to a conclusion. It is an endless river.” J. Krishnamurti

 

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The Kokoweef Mine and Cavern

Read some outdoor stuff at my rockhounding blog:

The Kokoweef Cavern/Mine Complex

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Remington and Maynard Dixon

Maynard Dixon (internal link) is my favorite western artist. Many consider Remington the best. Perhaps. No one, however, created a better sense of place than Dixon. When asked about Remington’s view of the West, Dixon answered that Remington understood horses. Indeed he did.

Maynard Dixon

Fredric Remington

 

Update: On The Eye of A Horse

In Remington’s work, the horse’s eye projects distress on the verge of terror. Very similar to  the horse ridden by the Knight of Swords. This is from the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck. The horse is looking back at this moment, concerned, perhaps wondering what this fanatical, occult driven charge will lead to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t draw  but I sometimes doodle. Years ago I scratched out an attempt at that horse’s eye. It’s a misshapen eye but I got the horse looking back. Question: Are we all looking back in terror?


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Book Contract Cancelled

Yesterday was the worst day of my writing career. I was trying to get my book contract cancelled since I no longer trusted the people who lied to me over 14 months. It took eight hours of angry, bitter, inflamed back and forth correspondence for them to let me go.

This morning I received the cancellation letter and I am free of them, their double talk, their hidden marketing agenda, their situational ethics, their crippled idea of a team. While I would like to write about what happened, I won’t spend another moment on people who never gave a damn about me in the first place.


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Does a Book Validate You as A Writer?

It’s in every writer’s DNA to want to have a book published but it’s not necessary to prove a writer’s worth. I make little money from my writing but I am still a professional and proud of it.

Writing can succeed on a big or small level. One of my best writing moments happened when two of my articles for the West Sacramento News-Ledger were printed on the front page, along with the photographs I had taken for them.

The News-Ledger is a small town weekly but it is the paper of record for the community and as such is a real newspaper, not some handout or advertising circular.

Through the Ledger I got to attend concerts, went to City Council meetings, interviewed teachers, and wildly drove a California Highway Patrol car through what the CHP Academy calls a skidpan, a flooded closed circuit track run at high speed. Their instructor pronounced me a natural.

My writing career has included many magazine articles, some national, two international, a self-published magazine, other newspaper articles, work for Catalogs.com, an odd assortment of contract work, a literary journal essay, and my still continuing writing and editing for Infocus Web Marketing in Vancouver.

While writing on telecom I was asked to appear at some length for an interview on the History Channel in an episode on Alexander Graham Bell. A few strangers later recognized me on the street and that was odd but satisfying. As was an obscure question that someone e-mailed me, saying that the Library of Congress thought I might know the answer.

It would be nice to have a book published but it wouldn’t pain me if that chance went by. I’m too old to chase a dream that depends on people I can’t trust. I only write for people that treat me fairly.

I’ve worked plenty of other jobs with horrible bosses, poor pay, and terrible hours. We all have. But I won’t put up with that with my writing. We all draw the line somewhere at what we accept. I’ve drawn my line. And if a book is beyond that line, so be it.


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What Would You Prefer?

I might end my relation with my publisher and put what I have written online for free. What do you think?

Would you prefer a hardcopy book that you would have to pay for, something admittedly convenient, or could you do with online material? Comment if you like.

Again, I thank everyone who helped me with this project.


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Regarding My Book — An Apology

As a professional writer I am embarrassed to write this. I do not make excuses. I communicate and cooperate with my editors, I come in at word count, and I always meet my deadlines. Always. I keep my word.

However. . .

Due to circumstances beyond my control, the release date for my book is now September, 2020. I apologize to everyone to whom I promised a release date of early 2020.

In the upcoming months, please send me any updates on your mine, claim, business, or activity. I’ll incorporate these changes into upcoming revisions with my editor.

Again, I apologize for this major change that was only revealed to me today, weeks after I submitted my MS before deadline and under word count.

I could not have anticipated this and I regret that the good publicity that could have come to you sooner will now be more than a year away.

 


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